[111] How We Guided Our Old Sister(-In-Law) To Pure Land
My sister-in-law (SIL), who departed at 93, had a daughter and four sons. Her husband had passed away in 2020, and she lived with her youngest son, daughter-in-law and a helper. This son (who just took refuge in 2023) has been asking me about Āmítuófó (阿弥陀佛) since 2020. As the only Buddhist in the family, he taught her how to chant Āmítuófó. He has been chanting with her every morning since June 2020, sometimes up to 1.5 hours a day. He also explained and showed videos to her about the Pure Land (净土) Of Ultimate Bliss (极乐世界).
With her health deteriorating, in Jan 2021, SIL told her youngest son that she wanted to go to Āmítuófó’s Pure Land, and wished to entrust him with her Buddhist funeral arrangements as he was one of her key caregivers. However, he was not confident. First, he was not familiar with Buddhist rites as he is very new to Buddhism. Second, he is the youngest in the family and major family matters and decisions have always been handled by his eldest and second brothers, (who were freethinkers).
He suggested SIL to get my husband and me to help as we are Buddhists and practise Pure Land Buddhism. Also, SIL and my husband were quite close and her children respect him. SIL agreed and requested to see us. To prevent any misunderstanding with his nephews, before meeting his sister, my husband informed her eldest son that his mother had requested to see us about her funeral arrangements.
When we met SIL on 20 Jan 2021, she confirmed her request. We assured that we will certainly help, but advised that as her two elder sons are very filial and capable, they can definitely manage. We wanted to avoid being misunderstood as interfering with their family matters.
We explained the differences between ‘typical’ Chinese and pure Buddhist funerals. Her husband had a ‘Buddhist’ funeral but there was burning of joss paper and a paper house (with much loud crying). I explained that a pure Buddhist funeral is very much simpler, without such practices. Buddhist funerals only offer vegetarian food to all too.
She again affirmed that she wanted a Buddhist funeral and wanted to go to Āmítuófó’s Pure Land. We assured her that our nephews can consult us, and we will guide and help them. We asked her to tell all her children about this, and request them to respect her wishes, which includes consulting us about proper Buddhist practices.
She did so and a ‘committee’ with all her children was formed four days after our meeting. We drew up a detailed plan with instructions based on Laoshi’s Pure Land Passport《净土护照》. We explained everything. I also helped to purchase a Rebirth Blanket (往生被) and explained to the youngest son on how to use it. We shared on the cycle of birth and death (生死轮回), Āmítuófó’s Pure Land, the dos and don’ts before and after death, as based on the Pure Land Passport. We got them to prepare their mother’s photo and the clothes she wishes to wear too. As we thought she was departing soon, we worked very quickly.
SIL wanted to take the Threefold Refuge (三皈依) but as she was wheelchair-bound, it was hard to go to a temple to do so. With the help of PPF (Pureland Practice Fellowship) Purelander Sis. KH, we arranged for a Venerable to go to her house to conduct the refuge ceremony on 1 Feb. As SIL was 90 years old then, the Venerable was impressed with her clarity of mind. I was so happy for her. She lived on, though her health did not improve. By 2024, the family has mostly forgotten what we explained in 2021.
After Lunar New Year (10,11 Feb 2024), SIL’s condition further deteriorated very quickly. In mid-February, she had fever and breathlessness. Her hospice doctor advised the family to be prepared as she is likely to depart very soon, as the infection on her foot was very serious and spreading. However, she pulled through, though the infection continued to worsen. She was bedbound, could not talk and had difficulty opening her eyes, only taking liquid food.
By mid-March, she was unable to talk or chant, and her eyes were mostly closed. When the youngest son asked for advice, I suggested to remind her about Pure Land, to chant Āmítuófó in her mind, while chanting with/for her, and to dedicate merits to her. He said that he has been doing so. On 20 March, the doctor asked the family to be prepared for her departure again. On 22 March, the youngest son said he wanted to ask his siblings to also chant Āmítuófó for their mother. He was not sure whether it is alright to do so as they were not Buddhists.
I told him it is okay to just ask. He sent the following message after checking with me, ‘Brothers and sister, 无论你相信不相信，请您每天早上刚睡醒或临睡时，轻声或默念十声“南无阿弥陀佛”。念完回向给妈妈：“愿以此功德，回向给妈妈，希望阿弥陀佛能在妈妈临终时接引她到西方极乐世界。”’ (Regardless of whether you have faith or not, every morning upon waking or night before sleeping, please softly or mentally recite ‘Námó Āmítuófó’ ten times. After reciting, please dedicate merits to mother: ‘May these merits be dedicated to mother. May Āmítuófó receive and guide her when approaching death to his Pure Land Of Ultimate Bliss.)
I then followed up with a message to encourage them to chant for their mother whenever they think of her great suffering, with the more chanting the better, not limiting to the two times suggested. They did not respond but they should have done so as they are very filial and saw the suffering of their mother. The infection was so bad that the skin and flesh had rotted, with bones and sinews that could be seen. It was moving higher up her leg and nothing could be done to stop it.
Back in December 2023, when the infection began on one toe, the doctor said that SIL would not be able to withstand the amputation surgery. The doctor also asked the family to be prepared because she could depart soon due to the spreading infection. Nothing could be done except to clean the affected area and to bandage it daily, while the infection kept spreading. It was so heartbreaking. The doctor did not expect her to live on for so long with the infection.
On 27 April 2024, when my husband an I visited and spoke to her, she did not respond. Her family said that her condition worsened from two weeks ago. She could not respond and hardly opened her eyes. I continued to talk to her gently to offer guidance (开示). I told her that she is going through great suffering but should not be afraid. I told her to ‘放下’ (let go of worldly attachments) as her children and grandchildren are all grown up and doing well. I told her not to worry, to just recite Āmítuófó sincerely, to connect to him, so that he can come to bring her to his Pure Land.
I reminded her that since she wants to go to his Pure Land, she should not think about other things, and just recite Āmítuófó’s name sincerely. All the pain and suffering will end when she reaches Pure Land. She should not be afraid to let go of her body because she does not need it. She should not hang on to her suffering, and just recite Āmítuófó from her heart, to ask him to take her to his Pure Land. We reminded so thrice between conversations with my nephews and niece.
After the third time, her second eldest son who went to check on her in her room told us excitedly that her eyes have opened. I saw that her pupils were blurred. She probably could not see, but was trying to communicate. I told her I know she can hear me and repeated the same message. After a while, she closed her eyes. Before I left her house, I reminded her with the same message again.
The next day, on 28 April at 2.30 pm, the helper informed my second nephew (who was in his own home) that SIL was breathless. He consulted the doctor, who advised to give some injections. As her condition did not improve, he consulted the doctor again, who rushed down to see her. The doctor found her pulse to be very weak and told everyone that her last moments were near. SIL was certified to have passed on at 4.28 pm by the doctor who was still present. My husband was informed at 4.36 pm.
I was at a Buddhist centre practising mindfulness of Buddha (念佛). When I saw the message after finishing chanting, I was actually happy for SIL. For the past weeks, I have been doing repentance (忏悔) on her behalf during morning practice prayers (早课). I have always dedicated merits to her after all my Dharma practices. Throughout my chanting from 8 am to 5 pm that day, I thought about SIL, and prayed to Āmítuófó to take her quickly. So, when I saw the message, I felt that my prayers were answered. We immediately proceeded to SIL’s house to guide the family and help with support-chanting (助念).
(Technically, merely praying for Āmítuófó to ‘take someone’ to his Pure Land does not make it happen directly, as that someone must still give rise to sincere mindfulness personally with faith [信] and aspiration [愿] to connect to him. However, meritorious virtues [功德] from Dharma practices, especially mindfulness of Buddha, can be dedicated to that someone, to alleviate his or her suffering, eliminate karmic obstacles and offer blessings, to make it easier for him or her to be mindful of Āmítuófó sincerely.)
When we arrived at 5.45 pm, her body was covered with the Rebirth Blanket (which should already be used once in the dying phase to offer extra blessings and protection). She had an agonised facial expression with her mouth wide open. My heart sank when I saw this as she was a very nice and good person. The two elder sons and their wives were also there, looking at the instructions that we prepared earlier, to see what to do next. From then on, support-chanting continued non-stop. The youngest son who was the main chanter, chanted while kneeling (长跪) on a yoga mat, refusing to rest until eight hours later.
I explained the importance of support-chanting to SIL’s daughters-in-law and two grandsons (who are the eldest son’s children in their late 20s, who were very close to their grandmother). I told them that they too can help with the chanting. When they said they did not know how to chant, I said to just chant sincerely like their uncle. I told them to chant silently in their hearts if they are not comfortable to chant aloud. I told them to, in their hearts, tell their mother-in-law/grandmother to chant along sincerely too, and to follow Āmítuófó to his Pure Land.
Everyone was told not to cry near the (dying or) deceased. I told them not to be sad as she is going to a much better place, where there is no more pain and suffering. They can also leave the room for breaks if tired. They were very receptive and entered to chant silently. The grandsons even knelt to chant at times. The chanting went on smoothly, with us filling in too. When we went home at 11 pm, her expression and open mouth were still the same.
According to the youngest son, at 4.45 am (after 12 hours of chanting), he noticed that her mouth had a bit of a smile. He took a break and asked his eldest brother to continue chanting until 6 am. At 7 am, after 14 hours, her mouth was almost completely closed. When I reached at 10.15 am, one of her daughters-in-law was chanting silently in SIL’s room. By then, her mouth had fully closed and her facial expression looked very peaceful.
I told the family that this is all because of the guidance (开示) and support-chanting offered. They were relieved and happy, as they continued to take turns to chant. The youngest son said that after chanting for 12 hours, when he touched her neck, it was slightly warm. I was shocked that he had touched her. Perhaps he thought it was alright to do so after at least eight hours of chanting. In the instructions prepared, it was stated clearly not to touch the body too soon, and to pull on the hair on the crown before touching any other part of the body. (As the touching was already done, I did not comment.) He said that an hour later, her body was cold.
(Premature touching of the body might stimulate departure from the place touched to a corresponding realm. The first point of contact should be the crown, to stimulate departure for Pure Land.)
At 10.45 am, 18.5 hours after death, my niece (who is SIL’s only daughter), the helper and I cleaned and dressed her. Before starting, I told her that though we are going to clean and change her, she should ignore what we are doing and continue to recite Āmítuófó. I tugged at a tuft of the hair on her crown before we started. My niece and I chanted Āmítuófó while we went about cleaning for 45 minutes. That was my first time dressing a body and it was not easy. Her helper did the cleaning, while my niece and I helped to move and dress. (If not uncomfortable, the undertaker can do the cleaning and dressing too.)
As there was quite a bit of touching and moving of the body, I felt so sorry (as this can cause magnified pain if the consciousness is still attached). Her neck and right arm were soft but her left arm and other parts were stiff. Her body was clean but some liquid flowed out of her mouth when we turned her on the side. I think it was her last meal which was not swallowed. According to the helper, she was last fed a little liquid food at 12.30 pm. That was her last meal. (She became very unwell at 2.30 pm and passed on at 4.28 pm.)
After we were done dressing her, her facial expression remained peaceful, like she was just sleeping. Her facial skin looked like when she was alive (面相如生). She was encoffined only at 5 pm, more than 24 hours after passing. The undertaker said her body was supple (身心柔软) then. The family all agreed that she looked good and peaceful. I told them that their support-chanting has given rise to these auspicious signs (瑞相), and encouraged them to continue chanting, to remind her to also chant, until Āmítuófó comes to bring her to Pure Land (if not already done).
All family members were cooperative and put in efforts to do their part. Throughout the wake, there was guidance and support-chanting, although not continuous, but the Buddha recitation device (念佛机) was always on. There was some silent crying but no loud outbursts. (There should be no crying near the body of the [dying and] deceased, lest it creates attachment.) My husband told all the family members that when the casket is entering the furnace, all should collectively ask her to go to Pure Land, and chant Āmítuófó until the furnace door is closed. They did as told.
I told the eldest son who was going to carry his mother’s photo, tablet and ashes to the temple after cremation, to chant Āmítuófó during the journey. Although the rest of the family (other than the youngest son) were freethinkers, they believe their mother was finally able to let go after I spoke to her during my visit on 27 April. She had hung on for so long, since March 2023. By the last day of the wake, all family members were comfortable with chanting Āmítuófó aloud.
SIL told her sons to hold her wake at a funeral parlour because she did not want her children to look after her body overnight, (also telling them not to collect donations). The decision turned out to be extra good because the parlour has air-conditioning, which provided relief from the very hot weather (although other parlours’ practices nearby could be heard at times). I was shocked that the wake setup was without an Āmítuófó statue or picture. I asked the second eldest son (who was the funeral coordinator) to call the funeral service provider for an Āmítuófó picture but he was told that the parlour did not have one.
As my nephew was at a loss for what to say, I took over the call and asked the provider to help us get one, who suggested using a picture with the Western Pure Land’s Three Noble Ones (西方三圣), but it turned out that the parlour did not have one either. I then asked him to borrow a Āmítuófó statue used for wakes at void decks, but it was difficult. Eventually, there was swapping of the Earth Treasury Bodhisattva (地藏菩萨) statue on the front altar with that of Āmítuófó. (Usage of Āmítuófó’s image, be it a statue or poster, is to remind the deceased to be mindful of his name, to offer a clear sense of direction, on who to look out for.)
I asked the second eldest son to book a chanting session with the Amitābha Sutra《阿弥陀经》for the last night of the wake. The funeral service provider said there should be chanting of the Earth Treasury Sūtra《地藏经》instead. My nephew was at a loss again. Again, I took over the call and insisted that we only want the Amitābha Sūtra. He replied that the Earth Treasury Sūtra is very good, and can also facilitate reaching of Pure Land, saying that I ‘don’t know’ this (你不懂!) (which I disagree with, as explained below), and that the Amitābha Sūtra is very short. I asked for it to be chanted three times, and he finally agreed.
(To best facilitate guidance to the deceased, It is better to focus on reciting this concise and straightforward Pure Land sūtra, [even if repeatedly], that promotes understanding of Āmítuófó directly, versus reciting a lengthier and more complex sūtra, that promotes mindfulness of Buddha generally.) So, SIL got to hear the Amitābha Sūtra four times during the wake. Once through PPF Purelanders’ support-chanting group and thrice through Venerables. My husband and I also chanted the sūtra once before SIL’s body was transported to the parlour.
After SIL’s children finished the chanting session with PPF Purelanders’ support-chanting group, they were very appreciative. They were surprised that such a big group came on a weekday afternoon. They were also happy as they could follow the chanting of the Amitābha Sūtra and Āmítuófó’s name well. They thus looked forward to chanting the sūtra again when I told them that three Venerables will be chanting it thrice that evening. But alas, the Venerables’ chanting was too fast for them to follow. They preferred the PPF version. The second eldest son also asked the family to chant for their mother at least ten times daily for 49 days, at any time and place, as much as they could, and to dedicate the merits to her. The family will also try their best to have only vegetarian food for 49 days.
(The following was sent by the family to PPF Purelanders who came to chant at the wake: ‘Dear Aunt Mel, our Tan family would like to express our sincere and heartfelt gratitude to you, your Buddhist brothers and sisters, for reciting the Amitābha Sūtra and Āmítuófó during our mother’s final and most important journey. We appreciate everyone’s kind show of support, and for setting aside personal time to come for this prayer session.‘)
As a ‘side episode’, during the wake, the youngest son’s good friend visited. He said his friend ‘saw his late father’ there, and started thinking that he might have come to bring his mother (to somewhere negative). I straightaway rebuffed him, saying that it should be the other way round, that his father was going to follow his mother to Pure Land. I told him to have strong faith (信心) in Āmítuófó, and that he has already done very well to help his mother, even seeing how her facial expression changed with his very own eyes, to be so peaceful and blissful (安乐).
I told him that as we were and are all still chanting for his mother, she was and is protected (if not in Pure Land yet). He felt better and stopped his negative thinking. (If what seen was ‘real’, he might have been ‘some other wandering spirit’ too. Anyway, with reciting of Āmítuófó’s name at the wake, no evil being can come near to disturb. The presence of the consecrated Rebirth Blanket also keeps the casket and place protected, even without recitation of Āmítuófó’s name. It is Buddhism’s biggest protective ‘talisman’ after all, perhaps the biggest of its kind in any faith!)
Námó Āmítuófó : Mel L
8 May 2024
